Taking Responsibility

Putting myself back on the dating market has been an eye opening experience and I haven't even gone on a date yet. My Match.com profile has finally connected me with an actual prospect. He's intelligent, funny, seems normal so far and as an extra bonus can even write in full readable sentences! I got over my "phone fright" and have spoken to him a few times over the last few days as well as exchanged emails and text messages.

Even with this short time of communication I have realized how much I sold myself short in my last relationship. I sacrificed the things I needed because I thought it would make us stronger, when in fact it is one of the main reason we didn't survive as a couple. Because I didn't make my needs a priority, neither did he. Maybe this was laziness on his part, but also a lack of communication on mine. At this point I am less interested in placing blame and much more interested in learning from my mistakes so I don't repeat them as I move forward.

So, what am I doing differently? Well, for one I am putting myself first. It's very easy for me in every area of my life to change my plans when someone needs or asks me to do something. I'm a people pleaser by nature, something that has served me well personally and professionally my entire life, but also a quality that makes it easy for others to take my needs for granted. I am trying to slow down and examine situations before I instantly agree to do what is being requested. By simply taking time to consider the outcome of my decisions, I can evaluate and consider not only what I am giving up but also what message I am sending if I agree to what is being asked of me. Just writing this makes me uncomfortable in some ways, because I fear being viewed as self-centered or unwilling to help those close to me. But the type of instance I am referring to is like changing my plans to go to the gym because a friend wants to go to dinner. The other side of this is setting realistic expectations for others and letting them know what is important to me. Another change is not sharing everything in my life all at once. I have always been an open book and probably always will be, but I am using discretion to make sure I am not giving too much info too soon.

And, what am I getting in return? Despite feelings of being jaded by lost love, I have hope. Hope that I can learn, grow and change based on past experiences. Hope that someone out there can love me they way I need to be loved. And, hope that I may actually find the right person.

I will be the first to tell you that the process of dating is a painful process but enduring the discomfort of putting myself back out there is better than the alternative of settling for someone that's not right for me. So, I guess the point of this entry is that I am stating my commitment to continue to evaluate myself and find ways to grow and be a better person -- not just for someone else, but ultimately for me. So, here's to growing pains!

That Couple

Come on. . .you know who I'm talking about, right? It's the couple that make googly eyes at each other and call each other "honey bunny" or "schnookum." They're the couple that are so sweet they make your teeth hurt just looking at 'em. As someone not much into PDA, I always thought, yuck -- I never wanted to be that couple. Maybe my mind is starting to change because I'm single and now have a little more experience under my belt (or maybe that's the loneliness kicking in), but now I wonder would it really be so bad to be that couple. Do we really find that couple so disgusting or is it the ugly green monster of jealousy rearing it's creepy little head? If you have ever been in love you know what it feels like to be feel twitter patted and goose-bumpy, even if you don't wear your ooey-gooeyness on the outside for everyone to see. So, for those feelings to be so intense you just can't help but let them boil over, is it really the worst case scenario to be in the presence of that couple (in the most innocent of cases, of course, there is a line after all) -- especially if you ARE that couple and you don't have to watch it from afar.


I think there is another couple that would be much worse to be than the nauseating duo depicted above. You've probably witnessed this couple from time to time eating out together but not even muttering a word in the others direction. It's not just the silence between the two, it's the deadness in their eyes, as if the river of love has run dry. They both stare off into the distance, more interested in the other people in the restaurant then the one sitting only an arm's reach away. This to me is more heartbreaking than the latter.

Which would you pick?

Phone Fright

That's right, phone fright. It's like stage fright except it occurs before I speak to someone on the phone for the first time, especially if there is any potential for romance involved. I don't know what it is, but just the thought of talking to someone I met online for the first time turns my stomach. I worry about freezing up, not knowing what to say and creating awkward lapses in conversation but mostly I worry about what first impression my voice creates. This may sound silly, but I still have telemarketers call my house and ask to speak to my parents. I guess if I had to choose a first impression for a possible date prospect it wouldn't be my sometimes valley, squeaky, high-pitched voice.

How exactly do I get over phone fright? Picturing someone I have never met before in their underwear is just not going to cut it! I have been talking to this guy via email for the last few days and tomorrow night at some point I will have to suck it up and answer the phone when it rings and hope that the he doesn't think he has been sharing emails with a 10 year-old girl! He seems down to Earth and I guess this will be the true test of how cool he really is.

So, I will take a few very deep breaths and if all else fails. . . I will laugh -- it always seems to work in my favor! I guess in the grand scheme of things, if the one glitch in my self-confidence is my voice (at least as a first impression), than I'm not doing so bad.

What are you self-conscious about the first time you meet someone?

Finding Peace with My Piece of the Pie

Often there are times when I offer up encouragement to a friend and the one who actually gets something out of it is me. A few weeks ago I ran into a girl I haven't seen since my freshman year of college, 10 years ago. As we were catching up on life and wandering down memory lane she told me proudly about her husband and six-year-old son but was obviously disappointed in herself for never finishing college. I told her that it's impossible to do everything in this life, so you should be proud of what you HAVE accomplished. In the moment I didn't think much of these words, though I truly meant them but they obviously had an impact on her because she chased me out to the parking lot to thank me for the positive affirmation. As I drove away it dawned on me that this advice was as applicable for me as it was for my friend. If I was being completely honest with her in the moment, I would have shared my desire for a strong relationship and even a family (someday), these are things I have sacrificed to focus on college and now my career. Sometimes I wonder if I spent too much time in a dead end relationship and wasted time that could have been used finding Mr. Right For Me. I realize these thoughts are pointless, but I'm human, too.

For year's my Dad has tried to impress upon me the importance of taking a moment to stop and smell the roses. Admittedly, I tend to jump from one thing to another not spending enough time to see the good things I have created or have been a part of in this life. If I blend the wisdom of my father with my own words, I think there is an even more powerful message there. Take time to appreciate the things you have accomplished, but don't dwell on the things you haven't done. . .yet. This is something I have been working on a lot lately. Taking a moment to take a deep breath and ponder life without letting the negative "what ifs" takeover.

What are some things on your bucket list that have been sacrificed up to this point in order to accomplish other things on your list? Would you change it if you could? How has your list changed because of the things you have accomplished?

Filling in the Gaps

For anyone that knows me, you know I have no problem keeping myself busy. And unfortunately this month has been pretty packed with activity keeping me from blogging. For those of you who take the time to read my rants on dating, thank you. I have a lot to write about and will be sharing my thoughts and ramblings on a more regular basis.

Since I am writing I might as well give you an update on my (lack of) dating. I have been on Match.com for a few weeks with little response. I am following the rules of Matchmaker Patti Stanger and am not making the first move. This is hard for me because I am naturally an action taker, but it's a learning experience none the less. I have had a few bites but no one that would make sense in responding to. I really am in no hurry, I believe if it's meant to happen it will, I am just interested in creating opportunity. The funny thing is though, as busy I have been in the last few weeks I wouldn't have really had time to date anyway! I guess everything does happen for a reason and in its own time.

So what do you think: is it really wrong for the woman to make the first move? Even if only an email to say hello?

Too Much Information?

Curiosity killed the cat and as it's going right now, Match.com will probably be the death of me. Let me start from the beginning. Over the holiday weekend I took advantage of eHarmony's "Free Communication Weekend" and was not impressed with the service. First, it takes hours (seriously) to complete the profile and when it was all said and done, I didn't feel like the profile was a true representation of me. And on top of that, all the steps required before you can have real email interaction with another person is utterly exhausting. You must request your potential mate to answer questions provided by eHarmony then they ask you to do the same. I never made it past this step. It was just too much work for very little information.

So, after much frustration and a lot of encouragement from my friends I renewed my long dormant account on Match.com. I was originally going to wait until Oct. 10 and allow my friends to write my profile for me, but plans changed and it seemed silly to wait that long. Lucky for me the service still had my old profile on file so I didn't have to go through the entire process this time; I basically just needed to review and revamp what I am looking for in a mate. As I wrote a new blurb about myself I noticed how much more direct and aware I have become about my wants and desires compared to the last time I went through this process several years back. This of course is a good sign, a sign of growth and progress, however that brings me to the question I have been pondering for the last several days.

Is it possible to be too specific about who I am and what I am looking for in a potential date? Is there a such thing as too much information? And, I am not talking about revealing too many specific details about why I am the way I am, that can wait for at least the first date (just kidding). Seriously, what I mean is revealing specific information like religious views and the desire for marriage and family. Does this kind of thing scare men away? Let's just say, the responses I have received are not exactly overflowing my inbox, though men are at least looking over my profile. Part of me wants my profile to spark a mass amount of attention but the other part of me, the part of me that wrote it in the first place, thinks sharing this information will qualify a man making the chances of meeting the right person greater, though it may take longer (and, I guess, less profiles for me to weed through in the end).

What do you think --how specific should a person be when talking about themselves and what they are looking for in a mate on an online profile? Is there a more appropriate way to disclose such details?