Taking Responsibility

Putting myself back on the dating market has been an eye opening experience and I haven't even gone on a date yet. My Match.com profile has finally connected me with an actual prospect. He's intelligent, funny, seems normal so far and as an extra bonus can even write in full readable sentences! I got over my "phone fright" and have spoken to him a few times over the last few days as well as exchanged emails and text messages.

Even with this short time of communication I have realized how much I sold myself short in my last relationship. I sacrificed the things I needed because I thought it would make us stronger, when in fact it is one of the main reason we didn't survive as a couple. Because I didn't make my needs a priority, neither did he. Maybe this was laziness on his part, but also a lack of communication on mine. At this point I am less interested in placing blame and much more interested in learning from my mistakes so I don't repeat them as I move forward.

So, what am I doing differently? Well, for one I am putting myself first. It's very easy for me in every area of my life to change my plans when someone needs or asks me to do something. I'm a people pleaser by nature, something that has served me well personally and professionally my entire life, but also a quality that makes it easy for others to take my needs for granted. I am trying to slow down and examine situations before I instantly agree to do what is being requested. By simply taking time to consider the outcome of my decisions, I can evaluate and consider not only what I am giving up but also what message I am sending if I agree to what is being asked of me. Just writing this makes me uncomfortable in some ways, because I fear being viewed as self-centered or unwilling to help those close to me. But the type of instance I am referring to is like changing my plans to go to the gym because a friend wants to go to dinner. The other side of this is setting realistic expectations for others and letting them know what is important to me. Another change is not sharing everything in my life all at once. I have always been an open book and probably always will be, but I am using discretion to make sure I am not giving too much info too soon.

And, what am I getting in return? Despite feelings of being jaded by lost love, I have hope. Hope that I can learn, grow and change based on past experiences. Hope that someone out there can love me they way I need to be loved. And, hope that I may actually find the right person.

I will be the first to tell you that the process of dating is a painful process but enduring the discomfort of putting myself back out there is better than the alternative of settling for someone that's not right for me. So, I guess the point of this entry is that I am stating my commitment to continue to evaluate myself and find ways to grow and be a better person -- not just for someone else, but ultimately for me. So, here's to growing pains!